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Adderall; No You’re Not Like The Guy From Limitless

November 24, 2012

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The first day me and a few of my fellow colleagues (burnouts) decided to do this crazy experiment, we assumed that somewhere along the lines we’d run into adderall.

What is Adderall? Well it’s a drug prescribed to kids with attention deficit disorders (some students actually need it, others have lazy/bad parents who are just investing in a better retirement home). Regardless of who you are, the pill turns you into a machine. You act like a robot, whether in class or in person. If someone catches you even slightly by surprise, you’ll embarrass yourself a full five seconds by shaking your head until you process that something new has entered your frame of reference. 

From the beginning we knew that I wouldn’t be able to get through this experiment without at least entering the underground prescription trade, so between Calculus 1 and Calculus 2 I decided to give it a shot. I was used to buying drugs off of strangers I’d met in class, so first thing I did was look up the street names: 

  • beans
  • black beauties 
  • uppers
  • speed
  • double trouble

After several days of subtly asking the engineers in the class if they “were good” for “double trouble” I noticed that none of them new what I was talking about. Maybe this wasn’t like the mainstream drug trade, I thought (since no one knew what I meant except one kid DID offer me the speed, but it wasn’t quite what I was looking for). Maybe I should just ask straight out? 

So I awkwardly approach this kid I knew was prescribed. Nervously I forced out the word “adderall?”. 

He nodded, freakishly hyper-focused into what I was saying. 

“I’ll pay you double.” he said and DONE DEAL. I’d purchased drugs from an engineer. 

So I actually take the pills expecting magic. It was… weird. It’s not like anything I can really explain to you unless you’ve tried it yourself, but anyone who thinks it makes you more efficient as a human being can go die. The pill lasts about eight hours and here’s what happens through them (as well-documented and peer reviewed by ME): 

By Hour:

  1. Nothing happens. You try to be smart and think back to the last advil you took and how long that took to take effect, but sorry, it doesn’t work that way…
  2. Still nothing. This is normally when the dumbest of the smart people take a second pill, impatiently assuming they never took the first. These people also usually die and are on occasion mourned.
  3. You notice your notes flow more easily and it’s more comfortable to do things you don’t enjoy, like Calculus (or art if you’re an alpha-nerd who needs to die). This is great! You think. I could be on this forever!
  4. You were thinking about that girl from high school you wanted to bone, and now for some reason you CAN’T PHYSICALLY STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. Your boner is raging and apparent, but since you can only focus on one thing at a time you still answer a question on the board, standing up, and probably stroking Angela from the desk next to you without realizing. 
  5. At this point your note-taking is at its peak. I’d write more, but no one remembers anything about the 5th hour other than the ONE task they do through it over and over again. 
  6. You’re on the energy high. You aren’t just hyper, you’re happy. It’s the greatest day/moment of your fucking life. You make a sandwich, dancing around the kitchen and making up with all your ex-girlfriends over text-message. Oh, by the way, you never eat the sandwich. Your turned-off stomach gives you no reason to. 
  7. You’re bored. Really bored. The world is moving sooo slowly this hour. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll end.
  8. This hour doesn’t even happen (you’ll know what I mean if you’re on the good stuff).
  9. You want to die
  10. You break up with your girlfriend
  11. You think about killing yourself no matter how awesome your life is (mine’s prettyyy sweet) GO TO BED BEFORE HOUR 11 PLEASE. 
  12. You’ve either taken a bad pill, fallen asleep (please?), or committed suicide by this point.

So it kind of worked but the side effects are way not worth it. For one, you forget to eat. For all of you smart people out there, dumb people aren’t the only ones who can starve. You start to learn about all those energy-deficiency problems the body can have, and then you try and have sex and all of a sudden Yoda’s “Do or Do Not” quote makes sense on a whole new level. 

I met with the dean of the physics department who told me that going onto Graduate School (as he assumed I was going to do) would mean I would need to lecture large groups of people. I asked him what the hardest part about lecturing is, as any good fake-nerd would, and he said 

“The goddamn kids on Adderall. I walk in at 8a.m. every morning to teach the class, and they have to freak me the hell out by staring at me with those big laser eyes. I hate them and their stupid parents for buying better grades AND I HATE THOSE FREAKIN’ LASER EYES I’M NOT STRIPPING I’M TEACHING.”

-Professor

All-in-All it really is the lazy-man’s way out. If you can’t do it without heavy drugs, it’s not your thing. If you actually need it due to a condition, that’s fine, but otherwise it’s one of two things. Either YOUR PARENTS DON’T LOVE YOU or you’re just insecure like I suspected most of these “smart” people were when I started this investigative report. 

I finally am starting to realize these geniuses that make us all feel bad aren’t so smart after all. In fact, more often than not they’re fucking moronic. I mean, they take hard drugs to do things that any of us could do if we GOT UP OFF OUR ASSES AND WORKED but instead they choose to buy expensive, dangerous, and often illegal drugs to do it for them…

“My people buy drugs to be happy with the people they love,

your people buy drugs to get miserable with the life they hate.

Who’s retarded now?”

-M 

 

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