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Nursing/Biology Girls, and what I’ve Learned About Them:


Throughout the course of history there have been several derogatory terms for women… scarlet, harlet, slut, hobag, or Kristen Stewart in more recent days…. but I personally believe a new term should be derived that demotes women in all senses…. Nursing Major.

Going into my investigation I had no prior experience with an intelligent woman of any sort. I dated this one girl who literally did not know of the existence of thirty. That’s right, THIRTY. I started counting sheep tryina fall asleep next to her all cute like, then I hit twenty-nine and then BANG I’m fucking Christopher Columbus to her or something… but anyway I had never had luck with the smart girls; as expected they were turned off by my lack of intellect… let’s face it they’re supposed to be smart, and old-Mike wasn’t exactly a good long-term investment.

Surely enough thanks to a few semesters of physics and advanced mathematics behind me at this point, I was able to convince a few of these smart girls that I was one of them. In doing so I was able to walk among them, mingle in their sciencey drinking sessions, and proceed with the act of mating. I soon discovered that what I once was sooo curious about… the coveted cooch of a smartypants…. was not at all what I wanted.

The first girl should have been a downright genius. Accepted to Brown (went to my dumpy-ass school for money), 4.0 grade point-average, and an ass that was most certainly set to stun. I knew her from my old days, but she had been witness to my transformation and I could tell that there was chemistry brewing between us (see what I did there..?). I had my gameplan set out… I was going to take her out to dinner, a nice formal night for a classy intelligent lady such as herself, and invite her back to her dorm where we’d Charles Darwin it up with our super-genes.

But then alcohol got involved and I stumbled my way across campus barrelling through people who I can no longer speak to ever again. I could barely see, let alone think, and my brain had checked out entirely. Fortunately for my brain, my dick was more than willing to take charge for the night, and led my body about a mile to the dorm of this beautiful damsel… then there was blackness… and then I woke up, naked, next to the smartest girl I had ever met in my life with brief memories of pleasure coursing through my brain and the repeating sounds of “oh Michael” ringing through my ears. It was perfect I had skipped the expensive steps and thanks to a small handle of Popov I had shared a night with the most intelligent, hot-assed girl I had ever-…

“You’re going to be the best boyfriend ever!”
-Naive Bio-Major

All of a sudden I knew that shit was about to get serious. After playing it cool, I told her “arghld adfkln;e ad;lfjasdf” and fainted for thirteen minutes of which she carefully massaged my unconscious body. Although I was grateful, I knew I had to get out of there. So I did and she freaked the fuck out. In no more than thirty minutes I had¬† text message from EVERY PERSON I HAD EVER MET about what an asshole I was for ending such a long relationship with the nurse-to-be. I was used to this; as more scientific research goes on to prove, bitches do in fact be trippin’ and all guys should be familiar with that by now. But this was different. This bitch was just as trippin’ as the other bitches. But she was smart.

Even though I’m undercover as a genius I still had a roommate stocked up with plenty of weed waiting for me every night. Somehow she figured that out, and threatened to call the cops and have me arrested if I didn’t come cuddle with her every night. All of a sudden I knew why women were never allowed to become smart in the olden days. It was because they could use their newfound intellect to destroy men’s lives.

It was a long time and a lot of cuddling before we had finally cleared the room of weed…….. ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā ūüôā¬† ……. and I could finally stop seeing this girl forever. But gentlemen… I learned something very important about smart people and women through this experience and others like it….

Women who are smart can contribute great things to society. Like that girl who basically discovered radioactivity and kinda shaked the foundation of the last century… yeah that’s a big one… however, they are still women and as such men must understand that they will ALWAYS win… and I’m okay with that as long as I know she’s a stupid crazy bitch, but if she’s smart, and there’s some sense to what she’s saying, it kinda hurts a bit. Just something to think about.

Mike out.


Adderall; No You’re Not Like The Guy From Limitless


The first day me and a few of my fellow¬†colleagues¬†(burnouts) decided to do this crazy experiment, we assumed that somewhere along the lines we’d run into adderall.

What is Adderall?¬†Well it’s a drug¬†prescribed¬†to kids with attention deficit disorders (some students actually need it, others have lazy/bad parents who are just investing in a better retirement home). Regardless of who you are, the pill turns you into a machine. You act like a robot, whether in class or in person. If someone catches you even slightly by surprise, you’ll¬†embarrass¬†yourself a full five seconds by shaking your head until you process that something new has entered your frame of reference.¬†

From the beginning¬†we knew that I wouldn’t be able to get through this experiment without at least entering the¬†underground¬†prescription trade, so between Calculus 1 and Calculus 2 I decided to give it a shot. I was used to buying drugs off of strangers I’d met in class, so first thing I did was look up the street names:¬†

  • beans
  • black beauties¬†
  • uppers
  • speed
  • double trouble

After several days of¬†subtly¬†asking the engineers in the class if they “were good” for “double trouble” I noticed that none of them new what I was talking about. Maybe this wasn’t like the mainstream drug trade, I thought (since no one knew what I meant except one kid DID offer me the speed, but it wasn’t quite what I was looking for). Maybe I should just ask straight out?¬†

So I awkwardly approach this kid I knew was prescribed. Nervously I forced out the word “adderall?”.¬†

He nodded, freakishly hyper-focused into what I was saying. 

“I’ll pay you double.” he said and DONE DEAL. I’d purchased drugs from an engineer.¬†

So I actually take the pills expecting magic. It was… weird. It’s not like anything I can really explain to you unless you’ve tried it yourself, but anyone who thinks it makes you more efficient as a human being can go die. The pill lasts about eight hours and here’s what happens through them (as well-documented and peer reviewed by ME):¬†

By Hour:

  1. Nothing happens. You try to be smart and think back to the last advil you took and how long that took to take effect, but sorry, it doesn’t work that way…
  2. Still nothing. This is normally when the dumbest of the smart people take a second pill, impatiently assuming they never took the first. These people also usually die and are on occasion mourned.
  3. You notice your notes flow more easily and it’s more comfortable to do things you don’t enjoy, like Calculus (or art if you’re an alpha-nerd who needs to die).¬†This is great!¬†You think. I could be on this forever!
  4. You were thinking about that girl from high school you wanted to bone, and now for some reason you CAN’T PHYSICALLY STOP THINKING ABOUT HER. Your boner is raging and apparent, but since you can only focus on one thing at a time you still answer a question on the board, standing up, and probably stroking Angela from the desk next to you without realizing.¬†
  5. At this point your note-taking is at its peak. I’d write more, but no one remembers anything about the 5th hour other than the ONE task they do through it over and over again.¬†
  6. You’re on the energy high. You aren’t just hyper, you’re happy. It’s the greatest day/moment of your fucking life. You make a sandwich, dancing around the kitchen and making up with all your ex-girlfriends over text-message. Oh, by the way, you never eat the sandwich. Your turned-off stomach gives you no reason to.¬†
  7. You’re bored. Really bored. The world is moving sooo slowly this hour. Just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll end.
  8. This hour doesn’t even happen (you’ll know what I mean if you’re on the good stuff).
  9. You want to die
  10. You break up with your girlfriend
  11. You think about killing yourself no matter how awesome your life is (mine’s prettyyy sweet) GO TO BED BEFORE HOUR 11 PLEASE.¬†
  12. You’ve either taken a bad pill, fallen asleep (please?), or¬†committed¬†suicide by this point.

So it kind of worked¬†but the side effects are way not worth it. For one, you forget to eat. For all of you smart people out there, dumb people aren’t the only ones who can starve. You start to learn about all those energy-deficiency problems the body can have, and then you try and have sex and all of a sudden Yoda’s “Do or Do Not” quote makes sense on a whole new level.¬†

I met with the dean of the physics department who told me that going onto Graduate School (as he assumed I was going to do) would mean I would need to lecture large groups of people. I asked him what the hardest part about lecturing is, as any good fake-nerd would, and he said 

“The goddamn kids on Adderall. I walk in at 8a.m. every morning to teach the class, and they have to freak me the hell out by staring at me with those big laser eyes. I hate them and their stupid parents for buying better grades AND I HATE THOSE FREAKIN’ LASER EYES I’M NOT STRIPPING I’M TEACHING.”


All-in-All¬†it really is the lazy-man’s way out. If you can’t do it without heavy drugs, it’s not your thing. If you actually need it due to a condition, that’s fine, but otherwise it’s one of two things. Either¬†YOUR PARENTS DON’T LOVE YOU¬†or you’re just insecure like I suspected most of these “smart” people were when I started this investigative report.¬†

I finally am starting to realize¬†these geniuses that make us all feel bad aren’t so smart after all. In fact, more often than not they’re fucking moronic. I mean, they take hard drugs to do things that any of us could do if we GOT UP OFF OUR ASSES AND WORKED but instead they choose to buy expensive, dangerous, and often¬†illegal drugs to do it for them…

“My people buy drugs to be happy with the people they love,

your people buy drugs to get miserable with the life they hate.

Who’s retarded now?”



PRECALCULUS in a Nutshell

So I’ve got a lot of catching up to do for this blog. I’m starting this just now because… well… I didn’t think the experiment would take off so well. I’m a full year into my program and through intensives, stealing textbooks, and lots of drugs I’m finally caught up with the¬†real science students.¬†


Anyway, so the first course I had to pass to get into these programs was PreCalculus. After some research, I discovered that THERE IS NO SUCH THING 

Yepp. If I had a dime for every nursing major who needed to pass that class, failed, and sucked my dick cause she felt bad…. well I’d still be broke and¬†flaccid¬†but you catch my drift.AS PRECALCULUS.¬†That’s right, it’s not even a thing. Never was never will be never should be. Sir Isaac Newton (father of calculus) never said “so there’s this awesome thing called calculus but before I reached that I stumbled upon this PRECALCULUS”¬†no.¬†

But in all seriousness PreCalc is just a way of weeding out the robots. Anyone can pass algebra and geometry by memorizing all the formulas creating a simulated smartass. This is a person who exhibits the qualities of a smart person but is actually just as dumb as the rest of us.

No, strike that.¬†PreCalc¬†is filled with¬†dumb people who actually think they’re smart,¬†i.e. the dumbest people of them all:¬†

  • Slutty Nursing Majors? Check.
  • I like video games, I’ll try comp-sci! Check.
  • Math was my best SAT score, better make it my whole life.¬†Check.
  • More Slutty Nursing Majors? Check.
  • Everyone who was too fucking moronic to not pass out of PreCalculus. Triple Check.

So my class starts with 35 students. Myself being one of them, naturally assumes I’m the dumbest one in the room. Keep in mind¬†I DON’T FUCKING KNOW ALGEBRA¬†you tell me to ¬†“Find ‘X'” and I’m out (or I’ll just circle the actual letter).¬†

I soon find out that you can’t memorize PreCalc, and all these¬†valedictorians¬†and Einsteins start dropping the class. Turns out, you can’t just buy a hammer with your Daddy’s paycheck and expect to build a house,¬†YOU HAVE TO LEARN WHERE TO HIT THE FUCKING NAIL.¬†And that’s exactly what being an idiot taught me.

Turns out I kicked ass in that class…. even had the highest grade. Why? Cause I never memorized a formula. Formulas, numbers, memorization, that’s what we have Flash Drives and Floppy Disks (R.I.P.) for. People don’t fucking do that. If you had all the materials for a house and you KNEW what to do with them, you don’t have a house unless you can actually USE what you know.

Anyway, this was pretty much day 1. I was clobbering these “geniuses” that had made me and so many of my burnout friends feel so insignificant to the world. FUCK YOU smart people, I’m exposing you for who you really are.


Going Undercover

Going Undercover

Hey, I’m Mike, and a good portion of people would say I’m the dumbest person they know… naturally I’m a Journalism major (or was…). I got tired of hearing my people being called stupid; so I’m going undercover. I switched my major to physics (concentration to be in quantum mechanics). I knew no algebra, no science, no math, no nothing up until now. I’m going to prove that being “smart” isn’t a gift; anyone can do it; and they’re much more human than we may have thought them out to be…